Looking Elsewhere

After my time in the hospital, I needed to step away from my faith for a while.

I didn’t know if my belief in God was actually mine, or if it was just another thing I had people-pleased myself into carrying.

So, when I walked away, I did what humans have always done when searching for meaning: I looked elsewhere.

I wandered into spiritual practices that many Christians would label as witchcraft.

I made spell bottles for anxiety relief, candles for focus, and jewelry layered with intentions for protection and emotional healing. I kept spell jars around my house. I built an altar to the version of myself that no longer wanted to submit to everyone around her.

I even hexed the man who was the father of the two babies I lost.

And then, eventually, I came back to God.

I Did Not Come Back Clean

But here’s the part we don’t talk about enough in church:

I did not come back clean.

I still had the crystals. Still had the herbs. Still practiced some of the rituals. That hex was in the darkness of my shoe closet at my back door. 

I would pray to God while still participating in things He was convicting me about.

And do you know what He did?

He responded to me with love first.

Not bringing shame. Not rejection. Not abandonment.

Conviction came, yes, but conviction is not the same thing as condemnation.

God met me exactly where I was, and then slowly began leading me somewhere different.

Grace Gave Me Room To Change

That’s the thing I think many people misunderstand about transformation.

You do not clean yourself before getting into the shower.

You do not heal before going to the doctor.

And you do not make yourself holy before approaching God.

Over time, things began to change. I removed all the spell work from my home. I stopped relying on rituals for protection and comfort.

I began praying for the man I still struggle to forgive instead of feeding my anger toward him.

None of it happened overnight.

It happened through relationship. Through listening. Through conviction that was rooted in love instead of fear.

This doesn’t mean God asks us to stay where we are.

Love without truth leaves people sick, and truth without love leaves people ashamed. God does neither.

When He welcomed me back, He also began changing me. Gently, steadily, sometimes painfully, He began teaching me what was harming me and what was pulling me away from Him.

His grace was never permission to remain unchanged. It was the safety that allowed me to change at all.

Come As You Are

I no longer practice, but God still loved me when I did, and then He taught me what was right. 

That is what “come as you are” means.

It means God is not waiting for a polished version of you to appear before He welcomes you home.

He meets people in the middle of their mess every single day.

And then, gently and faithfully, He teaches them how to let go of the things that are hurting them.